amsterdam

I miss my cat. baby amsterdam is at the apartment with nick. my parents aren't "cat people". i miss him so much, i can hardly stand it. i came home drunk one night and promised him that i wouldn't ever turn into one of those fat cat ladies, haha.

I have an interview at a decent salon wednesday and it's around the corner from the old apartment, so it'll only make sense to move back in. amsterdam around will be the only way i'm able to stand nick anymore. he's annoying and stupid and not a bit attractive to me anymore, but i'll get over it. for free rent a girl can get used to a lot.

spent all day searching for thinspo and lurking fashion web sites. also spent far too long on craigslist. but i think i'll drop off a few resumes downtown at a couple of coffee shops. two jobs would be amazing, i've always followed a strict "no eating at work" policy and i really need something to keep me away from the fridge at home. plus, i'll be riding my bike everyday for at least half an hour.

did 20 push ups, haha, then knocked out 20 sit ups, haha. i'll try for more tonight. not only do i need to lose weight, i really need to build some sort of muscle. i also need to build some sort of will power.

i had a great dream the morning. bryce, my best friend, and i were in high school, we were gross little gutter punks (pretty accurate to our actual hs experiences) but ran the school. and i was wearing a great outfit. an open ribbed misfits tank top, a leather jacket, black tights, ox blood doc marten's, and a black felt fedora. i love that i'm so well dressed in my dreams haha.

but because of my great dream i woke up at noon and swallowed a 500 cal subway sub that my mom picked up. i also had a 150 cal xxx vitamin water. if i wasn't so grossed out by artificial sweetners i'd make the 10 cal switch, but there's no way that'll happen.

going out tonight, some hipster warehouse party, i think i'll take some dreamland inspiration but summer it up with cut offs and low pros. uhg, i know that outfit will look so much better once my ribs start showing and my thighs stop rubbing together.

just found out each pabst is 153 calories, it takes me at least 5 to get anywhere. i think i'll go for jack and diet again tonight.

 maybe i'll run into marc...
or some other tattooed babe.

marc

"marc" is texting and it's killing me. i know that if i was thinner, he'd make more of an effort to see me.

when we met 2 years ago he was good looking but he didn't have much else going for him. now he's covered in amazingly done tattoos and has just finished his apprenticeship and has done some great work on me. and as everyone knows, good looking tattoos and a great job up the babe quotient  by at least 3.

back then, i was thinner and pretty confident in my ability to attract him. unfortunately that summer i went off the deep end, got an alcohol problem, gained weight and got super desperate. i cornered him while drunk on too many occasions, begging him to "just date me" and trying to talk him into being tied down to the filthy sweaty drunk fat mess i was then. Somehow after a year and a half of not speaking i have him tattoo me, we become besties and  then find out he's dating someone. she's pretty, but what kills me is she probably has the same stats as mary kate olsen. and I'm preactically america ferrera. thank god that miss mary kate's iq was half her weight and even without the gap her thighs would have never met. so one fine day, they break up and Marc turns to his best girl; me. now we fall sleep on his bed mid conversation, he tells me my hair looks good and that a dress fits me well (read: disguises my fat). i hope he still has those feeling he had years ago, but why the hell would he even consider dating ugly betty when he just climbed off an olsen? uhg, i'm not actually THAT bad, i swear, but the point stands.
Marc is just another thing driving this weight loss. i'll make him beg for me again.

tights

ripped tights would look terrible on me right now. with my thighs it would look like i hulked out of them. uhg, i'm disgusted by the thought of my fat squeezing out of the tears. sick.


i woke up hungover today, too much whiskey, not enough diet coke. i had 3, and at about 65 calories a glass, i don't feel too guilty. and then i had like 5 cups of black coffee (10cal), which i  think made hangover worse.
then the hangover led to a 380 cal pb&j then a 200 cal piece of pizza. but i'm also on the rag and i drank tons of water, so i'm going to forgive myself and make sure i have a better tomorrow.

For the next 2 weeks i'm going to try to stick to 800-1,000 calories a day because i know i'm going to terribly if i put heavier restrictions. by the first i'll try to hover around 800. 800 sounds like a lot. maybe i'll be able to cut down even farther.

I'll also be at my ma's house for the next couple of weeks, so that's going to be a struggle. dinners here aren't too terrible, but my family is super busy so at least twice a week they bring home fast food, it's usually something from a sandwhich shops or thai, but I fear that'll be my downfall.

I can't wait to move back into my apartment, Nick and I have decided to try again, which is probably a huge mistake, but I miss my gym and I miss my cat and I miss feeling attractive. He's dealing with his ednos, but thinks i don't notice, so being around him will definitely keep me more conscious of what i'm eating and how often i'm working out.

i'm dreading the weekend. i hate being around my dad, i always feel like i'm in the way when he's around. i don't think he likes sharing the family with me.

if i don't go out with Cayce tonight, i think i'll bike over to yoga in the morning.
let's hope i can wake up.

115 days - Friday the 13th

It begins today.
I will be hip bones and rib bones, I will be thighs that don't touch and arms that don't jiggle.
I'm done carrying around this filthy fat. I refuse to do it for any longer.
Every old best friend will be jealous and every ex boyfriend will start calling again.
And I will be ready for my 21st birthday. For my career as a hairstylist.
If I'm going to be backstage at fashion week I need to be super model thin. Anything else is unacceptable.
When I'm thin, the world will be handed to me.
It begins today.